Walls of Defense

Old fears came by to visit last night. Out of the blue, with no prior notice.

It’s been about 5-6 months since our last encounter. Man, I haven’t missed these stupid irrational fears. Insecurities, anxiety and walls of defense, mainly from myself.

Things have been going on really well lately. I finally began to feel that I’m happy with my life, with what I have and what I have accomplished, so why do I still allow these fears to sneak in and interrupt me?

I guess it’s a built-in mechanism inside me, whenever things are good, I simply have to find something bad. It’s as if I can’t really be happy. Or maybe can I? Maybe I just need to learn how to reprogram this built-in mechanism? I really feel it’s time to make actual steps to change my old patterns. I don’t want to be stuck in place anymore.

This has to do with a man, how surprising, right? I hope I didn’t mess things up completely. He’s been really patient and kind and overall, seems like a really good guy. I need to work on these insecurities, to let go of old fears of hurt, to learn how to embrace good things that are happening in my life.

It’s a work in progress, but the time is now. I want to do this right, I want to really be free.